Thursday, February 21, 2008

Showdown Pregame Analysis

As we draw closer and closer to biggest thing since the Gordini, I thought I'd jump on the pregame analysis before Emmitt Smith crushed me. We will start with Team Mario Strikers, since I am most familiar with all their strengths, quirks, and dipping sauce preferences.

Dave 'Chain Chomp' Hora

OCD? His room might suggest it. But those close to DaveHo know that when it's time, he knows how to get in the dirt. He's not afraid to get his backpack completely filled with wine and broken glass if it means putting a young punk in his place temporarily. He brings to the table a peace of mind and perseverance that just might keep his two teammates from panicking in the heat of the first sixer. However, he is also an honest realist, and can bring the crushing mental blow of not lying when his teammates ask "hey, uh, are we totally fucked?"

T-Bone's Last Word: Widely considered the #2 draft pick, if there was some sort of draft, before the actual showdown, instead of us just getting drunk and thinking this was a good idea.

Tommy 'Birdo Curve' Hendrickson

With only recent experience in the case race department, Tommy has been thought by many as incapable of holding down when the chips are in. All signs would point to yes after this past weekend's performance. Still, many see this young buck as one to rebound quickly, and possibly the greatest, most annoying, psychological disturbance in all of IM sports and the UPA. Years of experience in creative pong defense reinforces this statement. Still, in a tight race like this, Tommy getting drunk sooner to suppress his gag reflex are absolutely clutch in pulling off the upset of senior year.

T-Bone's Last Word: This man is an x-factor. Everything will depend on his mindset and ability to adjust to the stupid things that come out of kyle's mouth.

Joe 'Toad Hop' O'Hallaron

Critics have bashed his recent 'lack of practice' but all that will change after Joey-O's "thursday night practice power hour." Yes, ever improving time trials suggest that The Glow is set to prove the doubters wrong, and he's doing it one giant beef lo-mein at a time. Teammates will have to keep this member completely at ease, because the devastating hurricane of self-doubt is ever looming in this wine-bottle-in-the-backpack-breaker's mind. He will have remember his freshman year power hour training, and know that just as minutes 10-15, 20-26, 30-32, and sometimes 6 are the hardest, the same is true of the case race.

T-Bone's Last Word: If this Seoul-Brother gets rolling, watch out. He could be the straw that breaks Steve 'Camel' Blair's back.

Team Rock Band

Kyle 'All the Small Things' Holland

First of all, this man is a mystery. Other than a picture of a cute dog, this was the next most accurate image. Kyle was the backbone of the summer's DK express, and hopes to outshine his former partner again. Kyle must keep his focus on not playing too much daft punk, or his all-star classic rock loving team captain may get upset and the entire game could change. Critics point to kyle's fallout from Assassin's Creed, but others view him as a Striker's natural. Fans are frustrated by his constant passing, and those hits can pile up red shells against him. And everyone knows, red shells = protection = mega strikes = puketown. But this man is level headed, as his shining A in Warren G's rigorous materials course would suggest.

T-Bone's Last Word: This playmaker's tendency to do homework during a throwdown maybe his downfall.

Tim 'Say It Ain't So' Sandy

A seemingly bottomless stomach, this man is the undisputed guzzler. Built for speed or super-ultra-marathons, Tim holds all titles other than shotgunning. Not only does he drink a ton, his skills are a psychological jack hammer that can pound his opponents, along with his clever and cutting one liners. Yes, the "Papa Roach" is truly a formidable opponent. Only dirty play can hold him back, but if he gets really sick from his first beer it's only because sometimes PBR can have random salmonella poisoning.

T-Bone's Last Word: Let's hope he can get by the booby traps outside.

Steve 'Sabotage' Blair

Teammates like to call him "the grandfather", "the emotional rock", and "california sun." Seen here being totally gay, Steve is the epitome of consistency and a calm persona. The atmosphere in Silky's completely changes when this man walks in, and the shuffle board always clears out as he saunters over. "Gimme a Sierra Nevada, but only if the special's still on," he proclaims as he winks and points to the waitress. Yes, this man commands respect like non-other, and won't lose his head after dave blacks out and tells him the same story the ninetieth time in a row. Still, critics wonder if he still has the motivation for another round, as this philosophical mind sometimes wanders and searches for the deeper answers. Sometimes, Steve, you just have to give up wondering why PBR never lets you down, except for those random salmonella poisonings.

T-Bone's Last Word: If Timbo somehow conks out and slows down, look for Steveo to throw down those final2 sips.

The Prediction: JB gets wasted on gin and diet tonic and spills all the beer. Rematch to be rescheduled.

No comments:

Post a Comment