Thursday, April 24, 2008

Metro East All-Region Hype!: Willem Dafoe

Ahhh yeah! It's hype time! And you motherfuckers who play club or go to nationals think you know anything?? Wrong! This ramrodder has all your "knowledge" in his left index finger than you. And guess what! He's rightie! So that shit isn't even needed to throw his sandblasting flick hucks! Oh, bad form you say? Couldn't get away with that playing teams from other schools with a 40,000+ student body? Well, I'm not even gonna answer that, cause let's face it, I can change topics in my hype posts faster than you can put together arguments.

Did you see his dump cut?? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!? That's pop-out action my friend, and now he's in his power position and you guys are screwed. Yup, better throw in the towel if this is a downwinder, cause there's a 40% chance that's a goal. Upwind? Like how often do you have to go UPWIND at regionals?? Obviiii, you've never been.

And did we mention?? He's Willem God Damn Dafoe! He's the man! Who on your team was in Boondock Saints? Let's get real people. Also, whatever you think you know about ultimate parties, this guy knows more. We pregame like you party! And then, most importantly, we travel back in time and get 9 hours of sleep so we are well rested when get ready to crush some D3 losers. It's on. Better cast your vote now, cause you're gonna be looking like an idiot when this guy is stepping down the ME All-Consummate-Region Red Carpet.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Worst: #2

The worst use of a Pennsylvania Primary vote:

God dammit.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Worst: #1

The idea is when I find something that fits into the category of "The Worst", I can add another post to the series. Anyways, here is the first installment, we'll see how it goes.

It will be titled: The Worst Use of Steroids.

And I'm not talking about the most excessive use or anything like that. Just the guy who has used them, and then taken the least advantage of the fact that he is jacked. For example he could be lifting heavy things in front of babes, or even lifting the babes themselves. He could be cruising pool side in a brightly colored banana hammock, or kicking sand in boyfriend's faces.

This guy wins the award for worst use of steroids.

Maybe he sent that video to some babes, but either way, he wins.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Survival Showdown: Les Stroud vs. Bear Grylls

If you watch TV, you've probably been exposed to either Man vs. Wild or Survivorman in some sense. Both are shows that feature wilderness survival experts doing what they do best... surviving in the wilderness. But how do these survival experts and their shows compare?

Man vs. Wild

The Host:
Bear Grylls is the host of Man vs. Wild. His Wikipedia page lists him as a British mountaineer, adventurer, author, television presenter and motivational speaker. It fails to mention that he isan asshole. He has very few friends and a deep psychological need for the attention he thinks he deserves. He created his own page's "Feats and Record Attempts" section on Wikipedia in hopes of persuading women to sleep with him and young children to adore him. Most of these feats and records are made up.

It is widely recognized that Bear Grylls drinks his own urine for the taste, rather than out of necessity, and enjoys smearing his flesh and clothing with feces. That's not dirt in the picture up there...

The Show:
Man vs. Wild is based on the premise of exploiting Bear Grylls' need for attention to film extraordinary feats of survival in extreme locations. The MvW production crew scouts out dangerous looking locations near heavily touristed areas (Bear demands that he sleep in a five-star resort every night), and scripts out a plausible story about the dangers of the area. Bear convinces the viewer that he is indeed in a dangerous location, and usually attempts to point out that if you were to try what he is about to do, you'd die.


The Host:
Wikipedia credits Survivorman's host, Les Stroud, as a Canadian musician, film maker, and survival expert best known as the host of the television program Survivorman. Despite being Canadian, Les Stroud is an intelligent, articulate and talented individual. Unlike Bear Grylls, he is a true man of the wilderness, evidenced by the fact that he does not regularly wax his chest. Les is also a musician and a filmmaker.

The Show:
Survivorman is based on a simple premise: one man, Les Stroud, knows how to survive. Anything. Unfortunately, the show is usually limited to Les' feats that don't break societally accepted notions of what is possible. I don't know if the "Seven Days on the Moon without Air" episode will ever be unleashed upon the world. Typical episodes are centered on Les surviving alone in the arctic for a week, Les surviving alone in a swamp in Georgia, and other similarly harsh and uninviting environs. Les always travels alone, and carries an extra 50+ pounds of camera gear to ensure that the survival situations are real, and you get a first hand look at what it takes to live through such an ordeal.

Summary & Conclusion:
Survivorman is the real deal. Les Stroud has been verified by Ripley's Believe it or Not to have turned water in to wine. Man vs. Wild is a joke and Bear Grylls pees on his clothes so he can savor the aroma for days to come.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Dan Onorato: "I never want anyone under 60 years old in Pittsburgh to vote for me again."

First the drink tax that has ruined my 1 dollar pitchers at boomerangs, and now this:

I have to stay in the craphole of Edinboro for the weekend in butt awful weather... and I come home to this?

This is the last straw. Carnival is going to be a blood bath... of PND hilarity, smiles and slaps on the rump! Hey!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Moral Dilemma: Juno Sucking vs. CMU Pride

Tomorrow 'Smart People' opens up and features the scenic backdrop of our amazing campus, Carnegie Mellon University. I really like our campus, and I am happy that the ugly buildings that don't match the traditional architecture of the university are mostly hidden (Wean, the Gates Building)... This makes me psyched to see it in a movie, because I WAS THERE!!! THAT'S KIND OF MY HOME!!! SUCK IT!!!

However, this movie stars Ellen Page. It also stars Sarah Jessica Parker who isn't very attractive to me and has to be pretty old by now. But let's get back to Ellen Page. Ellen Page = Juno.

As many PND and frequenters know, I fucking hate Juno. God I hate this movie. Anytime I hear someone discussing how original it was, I shake with rage. I constantly regret that I had no idea Ellen Page was on my campus for an extended period of time as I would have protested the film shooting until she gave me my money back for that 90 minutes of absolute torture. Not only was she massively annoying with her completely 'uncaring' attitude and over the top rudeness, she was FAT AND PREGNANT! She reminded me, kind of, of this fat girl who was talking too much and hogging the mic on rock band at Christo's one night. Via the commutative property, you suck Ellen Page and I hate you too.

A friend of mine noted that if I hated Juno and Ellen Page's character in that movie, it is going to be much of the same in Smart People. A snobby, unattractive girl (a leader of a high school young republican's club seeking perfect SATs... does it get worse??) who has too much to bear at such a hard age! Go to hell you unoriginal writers, and maybe someone should apologize to Ms. Page's mother for typecasting her in the most awful way possible.

Anyways, at this point I think I am still going to see this movie just because I love our campus a lot and really want to see it made look good. CMU rocks, and if Ellen Page says one bad word about this place in this movie, we are taking a PND road trip and we are gonna throwdown you suckwad.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

4 Slash 0 Slash 4 Again Star Movies

3 Zombie Movies you may or may not enjoy:

Zombi 3:

My friend recently burned this for me, and I will say it is one of the worst movies I've ever seen but if you know what you're getting yourself into, it can be one of the most mediocre movies you've ever seen... maybe. A sequel to the unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead, I think it's worth watching. It is worth it not only for some terrible writing and great one liners:

"I'm feeling better now Patricia, just thirsty... FOR YOUR BLOOOOD"

but for some good cheap gore, and zombies hiding in piles of hay. If you want to borrow it, lemme know. As my friend states, "the zombies don't even want to eat you really, they just want to beat your ass."

Today is day 0.

Dead Alive:
This is actually my favorite movie of all time, not joking, and it's great in a different way than Zombi 3. Directed by Peter Jackson in his glory non lord of the rings days, Dead Alive is worth watching because he's done things with zombies I've never imagined. It's not a "so bad it's good" zombie movie, Peter Jackson does a great job directing, and there's as much gore as you could ask for. I think it gained some popularity when the Lord of The Rings movies came out, so you might be rent this somewhere close to you. Watch this movie.

Night of the Living Dead 3-D (2-D Version):

"The dead will never look so alive!" and then they should add to that, "and then two dimensional again". I didn't make it through this movie, but when we saw it in the red box we figured, the fact that they made Night of The Living Dead into a 3-D movie and then released a 2-D version of the 3-D movie, was worth a dollar. I'm going to say the first hour or so was actually pretty funny,and if nothing else you get to see some chicks boobs in a kinky barn sex scene (If you're a girl and don't like boobs or the movie, I guess you're boned.) I've heard that if you make it to the end of the movie though, you might regret having sacrificed 2 hours of your life to finish it. If I were you, I would watch the first hour and then go to sleep. Either way, if you see this in your local red box, I'de pick it up.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Penguins Playoff Preview

No I'm not writing some sort of analysis, because I don't know too much about hockey but love watching us do things that I think are cool as shit. And I did it for most of the last 2 seasons! Either way, we are facing the smuggest group of hockey fans ever in the Ottawa Senators in the first round after blowing our last game to Philly. So I'd like to do a PND synopsis of the gigantic media hype surrounding the series.

First of all, Pensblog is awesome. Total one sided game reviews with sweet photoshopped stuff and a big reader base. So keeping up with that and some other ESPN and Post-Gazette writings, the feeling is that the Pens blew the last game on purpose to play the Senators who have lost a bunch of players and have started sucking. So everyone is pulling a super over-analysis and saying that the Pens will absolutely lose cause because they have already overlooked the super-dynamo-Senators-that-totally-sucked-for-the-last-month-but-are only-lulling everyone-into-a-false-sense-of-security-mega-team.

Either way, the Senators' version of the pensblog posted this playoff preview and the flow of comments from Pens fans are great, but part of one really stood out to me:

Anonymous said...


Does anyone get the Seafood part? Or am I an idiot and I'm going to have to edit this post to take out my inappropriate comment ignorance.

EDIT: Thanks Davey. Good to know that "a nice seafood dinner" wasn't like the double shocker spliced with the eiffel tower crossed with the houdini, and everyone knew about it but me.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Beer Reviews: Whirlwind 2008

God damn delicious.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Pong Night Diary: 04/04/08

Dear Diary,

Last night was pong night. It's been over a month since I have participated in our eponymous activity. Fun was had all around, and somehow I ended up at Silky's both before and after pong night.

Highlights included:
  • good people - except for Kyle, my mortal enemy
  • loud music - of course
  • beer pong - obviously
  • shotgunning pounders - I'm back in the game
  • bags of crickets - still in my house, I think
  • Indian project thieves - reconciliation has been reached
  • powerful man musk (POWERFUL) - god damn Joe
  • post-pong hand massages - somewhat weird

The end.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Toast Post

I wrote a whole post about why toast is not deserving of it's own name, and shouldn't be considered separate from bread, and then I found this website.

Dr. Toast