Thursday, May 15, 2008

Disturbing Truths

Like any good American, I'm very interested in most infomercial products.

Historically, I've been a big fan of Billy Mays' work. The louder he yells, the more interested I get. I can't even begin to describe how angry my roommates are because the majority of our household cupboard space is filled with OxiClean, Orange Glo, Vidalia Slice Wizards, a carton of Mighty Putty... the list goes on. If I had the money I'd buy a fleet of Awesome Augers, but I hear the shipping is killer.

My current favorite product is the Shamwow. Can you believe that thing? Look at how it soaks up the cola! I'll admit that Vince doesn't have half the enthusiasm of Billy Mays, nor does he have a rockin' beard, but I give him points for trying. And look at that thing soak up all that cola!! Sweet baby jesus, that rules.

But I digress. After spending $25 on a reasonable-quality haircut this afternoon, I realized there's a product out there that would eradicate my need to ever pay for haircuts again. You guessed it, the Flowbee!

Imagine, a set of clippers hooked up to your vacuum. No mess, no barber necessary, just clip, suck, and be done with it. Of course, before committing my hard-earned cash to the purchase, I decided to do a little research; you know, get a feel for the Flowbee brand and the classy folks who use it.

I was shocked to find that, unlike what I'd previously expected, the people who used Flowbee were anything but classy, and in fact, I think they're god-damned crazy.

What. The. HELL is with this lady? I don't even want to talk about it. Within seconds of watching that thing I was done with the Flowbee.

Don't ask me why, but I decided to dig a bit further, and this is where things get weird...

Oh my god. Somehow, your standard Flowbee user manages to wear the same shirt (I think it comes with the system), strike the same pose (instructions in the manual?), and always, always have a TERRIBLE-LOOKING HAIRCUT. Ack!


  1. I'm kidding Joey. I'd kill for that thick Korean hair. It's beautiful.

  2. I think that picture is very flattering